Ask an adult to help you with the scissors.
2003-12-30 | 6:16 p.m.

Inspired by the lovely Audrey Hepburn, I've been trying to act like a real lady lately. I'm picking up after myself, cursing less around small children, not drinking from the carton... that kind of thing. However, I have this nagging feeling that sitting here in my eight dollar orange flowered vintage halter sundress that I got today that's fucking FANTASTIC (Value Village, man.) sipping tea from china my great grandmother left to me will not make up for my shenanigans last night.

I broke the fast with some vegetarian stir fry and a chocolate bender. Oh, and half a bottle of vodka. Our plans for the movies fell through, so I hitched a ride out to Merlin to stay at Katie's (another Katie, I know, don't even try to keep them straight, just roll with it.) Katie just got done lecturing Parker (notorious partyer, kicker of other girls' asses but a good person in my eyes) on the phone that it's dumb that she needs to be drunk to have fun. I agree with that, even though it sounds weird coming from Katie because she started drinking around the same time she started long division. Parker promptly told her "Shut the fuck up, I'll be over in an hour with a twixer of Smirnoff". And that was that.

It was a fun sort of girls' night in thing. I never really talked to Parker although we're always bumping into each other at parties and whatnot. I was definitely on the ball last night; I had them in stitches for hours with such classics as impersonating my sister and "freestyling". freestyling more like freesucking am i rite/?!!1 By far, the topper was when I broke it to them that my Great Aunt died a couple days ago (eh....) and my mother was going to pick me up the next day on the way back from her funeral, I kind of went off on a spacey rant that finished with "But hey, death or no death, drugs not hugs right?" Wow, did I ever miss the boat on that one. I honestly meant it the other way around, but either way, it made no sense. The statement is now immortalized in Parker's ICQ info. Being quoted owns.

I slept on the floor under a pile of fleece and suprisingly, the kink in my neck from so much tedious grocery store work is gone! Oh hell, Katie's mom made us breakfast in the morning too, and it was awful. A well rounded breakfast for me consists of coffee, and not even real coffee at that. Coffee so pure and strong that catching a whiff of it when you're not on guard will throw you clear across the kitchen headfirst into the oven. Coffee with 1 oz. of skim milk and a packet of Equal. Diet kamikaze blitzkreig fucking coffee. The coffee of champions.

But Katie's mom made orange juice (no more vodka thank GOD) and poached eggs on toast. And I realized "oh hey, I've never had poached eggs on toast." Navigating that shit was pretty funny. I must have seemed really pampered, not knowing how to go about attacking a plate of poached eggs on toast. In the end the eggs could just not be conquered, those yolks freaked me out. I ate the toast, though. I missed bread.

My final realization for the day, so far: I've invented the ultimate pair of shoes. Ladies and drag queens, listen up, but for the love of God please don't share this secret with your friends because if I see it in the DIY section of Cosmo or Jane I'm gonna shit a brick. Get a pair of those tacky lucite heels. You know, the kind girls favour for their Grade 8 graduation. With the clear straps and the plastic heels. The less silver and junk, the more plastic, the better. Then get wide satin ribbon to match whatever outfit you're wearing. You'll need about 2.5 to 3 meters. Cut it in half, so you have one equal strip for each leg. Put on the shoes, and wrap the ribbon under the heel, you know, under the arch of your foot, under the shoe. Then lace the ribbon up around your ankles "ballerina-style" or up around your legs "stupid-style". Oh yeah, you should cut the ribbon on a diagonal and use a flame to melt the edges slightly so it doesn't fray.

I can't believe it took me that much time and this many pairs of shoes to figure that out. I bought a ton of ribbon today at the fabric store and now I've got very flattering and understated (seriously) shoes for every occassion.

So there's your craft for the year. It only took me until the second last day of 2003 to get creative.

Go New Years!

-S

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