Many times I've loved, many times been bitten, many times I've wondered how much there is to know...
2003-09-15 | 6:52 p.m.

I was in the underwear section of Winners, sifting through racks of thongs and bikinis and briefs when it hit me:

I have a problem.

A loooooooooooove problem.

Something just isn't quite right when you're 18, at your peak, essentially, yet people see you as so jaded in love that you may as well be thrice divorced. Something isn't quite right when you're 18, you pick up a pair of underwear with a heart on the front and a slash through it, no-smoking style, and know you immediately have to have it.

Standing there, skivvies in hand, giggling bitterly to myself... have I become the creepy person that can't keep a straight face in the underwear aisle? Or worse: have I become completely closed off to love?

Can I blame the scum of the earth boys I went to gradeschool with for turning me off to the entire gender for so long? No, because I'm not the same person I was then. I'm not the mousy-haired, freckled shy girl who didn't know who or what was important in her life. But I do still question almost absolutely everything, and maybe I need to work on that. All I know for certain is that I seem to beleive that love is not something you fall in, it's something you fall under. I can't remember the last time I saw a couple walking hand in hand down the street and said "Dammit, I want that." Or even, "Oh, good for them." I don't even need to roll my eyes or laugh to myself about how weak and stupid they are anymore. The distaste is just there, and I don't even notice it.

I bought those stupid underwear. I sat with them right out in the open on the passenger seat next to me as I drove home. The boy who pumped my gas gave me a strange look when I handed him his money. I don't care. I think I feel empty. Maybe I've felt empty for a long time and just haven't been able to admit it, because emptyness seems like a weakness to me too. Emptyness and love, both weak traits. Sam, that makes no sense.

There is someone who is throwing his heart out there for me right now. Someone that has been there for far too long, seen me through far too much, for me to dismiss him. I can't wave him off as a stupid, horny teenager, I can't wave him off as being controlling, I can't shake him, period. He is stronger than me, or at least stronger than I was. He makes me stronger. And I don't need to tell him how wonderful he is because he's even too wonderful to need to hear those things from people, if that makes any sense. He's so strong that I question if I can hurt him at all.

If he's so strong, how does he feel love?

The people I know who are in love seem so weak. Katie and Corey, sitting on the couch all day, "love slugs" as my father calls them. Fighting on the phone because after the tears and the yelling and fighting, they've grown accustomed to liking the feeling of calm after the storm, the sense of security that only disappears again after 8 pm the next night when the cycle repeats itself.

He lives many miles away. I would be foolish to allow myself to become vulnerable in that regard... am I supposed to miss him more because of the miles in between if he suddenly became more than my friend?

More than my friend. It pains me to say that.

I value friendship more than "relationships." Up until a couple days ago, I thought everybody did. I suppose it may be because I've had some very intense and valuable friendships in my life. No relationship thus far has ever been as huge a learning experience as certain friendships. But honestly folks, is it that easy to revert back to friendship if a relationship fails? Bear in mind that I can not lose this person in my life. He's a huge part of my history, and he can not be written out of it. My friendship with him has become second nature to me. I don't need to talk to him every day to know that he's there. I don't need him to understand everything that happens, and for the first time, he's a friend that I don't feel I need to EXPLAIN everything to. He can miss as many of the twists and turns that my life has taken and continues to take and still... he just gets me.

He has too much faith in me, but without every shred of it, I wouldn't be where I am today. He's changed me as a friend. Without his presence, I would not have been able to pull myself up and forced myself to recognize all the beauty, the good things around me. I would still be the same sad little creature I had been for years, unhappy because I wouldn't let myself be happy. He makes me want to be a better person.

Is that what love is?

I haven't even begun to make a decision about where I want to take this. I was just getting comfortable doing what I'm doing. I'm finally independent and confident enough to pack up, ship out, see the world, study what I want to study, do what I want to do. I'm finally free of caring about the opinions of others that do not matter to me. I'm finally able to be alone without entertainment or other people distracting me, only my own thoughts. I'm finally able to relate to a huge variety of people and truly learn from them. I'm finally able to laugh, and really mean it.

...

Well, diary, I bought those underwear in three sizes. I'll have the reminder for the rest of my life. Reminder of what, I'm not sure yet, but it's just there. Maybe the love is "just there" too. Leave it to me to find panties that reflect a personal emotional revolution.

-S

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