Hands down this is the best day I could ever remember....
2003-11-23 | 2:03 a.m.

I'm feeling too nostalgic for my own damn good tonight. Marissa's having a rough time lately. Her dad announced yesterday that he fucked up their investments and immediately had to sell their van, so they're down to one vehicle. She confessed this to me online after a really fun, cute night of coffee and whatnot last night. She held it together really well. I must commend her for not making a big deal out of this when it actually is a big deal; a year ago she would have reacted very differently. I love Marissa, I really do. We dug out my grade school CDs, and I made up lyrics to a Hanson song that she used to love. "When your dad sells your van, and you have no ride to school, I will come to you ooooh I will come to you..." She started laughing and crying all at once and it was a pretty great moment. Then I did the back brace impression to some Backstreet Boys song and she completely fucking lost it. It was cramp-inducing laughter, really really fantastic.

I've been eating too much lately since Thursday and Toronto, so I don't feel that hot right now. She picked out something sexy for me to wear to a party that I didn't care to attend tonight. I ended up wearing jeans and a shirt from Target that has velcro letters on it for Valentine's Day. Marissa spelled out "g-unit" across the chest and I laughed really hard because I'm just -such- a rapper... I threw a little heart, flower and butterfly under it, plus a number one for balance. Best shirt ever.

The party was weird. Everyone assumed I was drunk because I was really mellow. Explaining that I don't really drink that much anymore is almost completely useless because teenagers just. don't. get. it. BJ and Gagner were their, reminders of how I used to be. 2 years ago seems like only yesterday. Gagner was really funny as always. I gave him this Matrix-y chest shot because I'm a big dork, and he laughed in that beautiful musical laugh of his, and that was our little thing for the whole night, we just kept going up to each other and jabbing a hand into the other person's chest. Except I don't have huge boobs to protect me so that sucks. Actually, neither does he, so wow, maybe we need to stop jabbing each other in the chests as a sign of affection. Gagner's still cool. He gave me a good shaking and a pro-drug talk, trying to get me back to my "old ways". He and I are the only people who will understand how funny and necessary it is for him to give me that chat. God bless you, Moork.

Geez, I'm so tired, raaaaaaah

Anyways yes, outdoor party, talked to some old friends but otherwise didn't drink. Smoked up a little with Walid. Marissa got hilariously stoned by accident, and I got to use the famous "Okay, so no more for the cheerleader" line. Classics from Marissa include "WOW It tastes like baloney!" Genius, pure genius. Corona brings out the funny in her.

This entry really isn't going anywhere but down. I have a lot to say about some of what people have left in my guestbook, but you deserve many many entries of your own so I should just wait until I'm more awake. Stick around, guys, I have... things to say.

Anyway, eh... I talked to a fair few rappers from my high school tonight. It was kind of funny. People I'd grown up not necessarily with, but around, and now that I'm looking at them, they didn't turn out so bad. I feel really weird typing right now. It gave me hope to see that some of these people I'd perceived as being so vacant actually had some sort of a spark to them tonight. I'm still not sad to leave them but... I don't feel like my time is completely wasted here. Does that make any sense?

I'm looking forward to leaving. But not to run away, just to take the good things I've learned in these many years in the same place and move them elsewhere. I want to keep growing.

And Toronto? If I can get one wish... I want to go to Ryerson for dance. Long story short, my visit there was phenomenal. I'm in love with their dance program, their teachers, their students, their floors, the way the sunlight streams into the studios in the afternoon... I feel like I have direction, a true goal to aim for when I return from my overseas adventure.

Oh. Zach, boyfriend of like, 2 or 3 years ago, called me tonight. That was fucking weird. He wants to have coffee. We didn't end on completely fucked up terms, but we haven't spoken much since the breakup or whatever. I don't know relationships, shut up. I don't know why he called. He didn't have anything to say. I don't remember his phone number, yet I remembered the names of his siblings and asked about them. I'll probably have coffee with him, simply because it's so out-of-this-world bizarre that he even cares to talk to me... I don't understand why, not even a shred of reason, so... so I should just do it and hopefully reason will find me later.

Reason escapes me completely today.

Anyway.

More later.

-S

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