So let's all come together for Red Feather!!!11
2003-09-27 | 6:12 p.m.

I've got 2 hours between Animal House Olympics and the MuchDance to let you know how awesmore this weekend has been so far. Yesterday was the early dance practice, and we performed at a pep rally at "my" school. Benny Simp, or should I say Benny $imp, got to run down the aisle in smoke and lights for football, so Marissa and I walked along on either side of him. It was hilarious. I felt so old and cool. I skipped out on the classes for my apprenticeship because it's Red Feather weekend, man. There's no controlling teenagers on Red Feather weekend. I'm a shining example.

So Marissa and I danced our little hearts out, except I had no voice so it made for some fun times. Nicole says I sound like Kathleen Turner but I think I sound more like A Big Retard. I love having a raspy voice.

10:25 am - Speed to McDonalds to catch breakfast. Ben drinks a beer in the back of my car from a McDonalds sippy cup. I pull into a church parking lot and Marissa chucks his empties into a cornfield. We tear off just as the wild solo part of the live version of "Rock and Roll" by Led Zeppelin starts up. It was a chase scene of Dazed and Confused proportions.

11 am - Vodka and Cranberries, Rye and Coke, and good old Labatt Blue in my bedroom. Made posters. Listened to a lot of AC/DC.

The assembly... the assembly kicked ass. I almost regret making fun of cheerleaders for so long, since technically, what we did in our class with that Linkin Park song and whatnot was a Cheerleading Routine for a Cheerleading Competition. Anyway, the crowd went apeshit. We nailed it.

Moore, Justin and I picked up more Blue and Corona after school. We drank in my room, again, and my cold just kept getting worse, as did my voice. It was shaping up to be a great night. For serious.

We met up with the parade at the KFC near my house, and Justin got stoned with a makeshift Coke can bong on the way over. ON THE BUSIEST STREET IN TOWN. DURING A PARADE. I laughed and laughed. But I didn't hit it, for the record.

Marissa and I chugged a beer in the ladies room at KFC. After the parade and before broomball, a bunch of us drank some more and watched the sun set outside the arena in the dugouts. It was really nice. Katie almost died laughing at my impression of my sister, and then she forced me to smoke cigarettes in hopes of "always keeping my voice this awesome!"

Anyway, broomball ruled. I'm a FIRST CLASS HECKLER. Nate, our United Way Ambassador (student representative) for Red Feather (which is pretty much homecoming for highschoolers, so homecoming, but not) made the mistake of sharing his megaphone with me. For an entire game, him and I kept the McGregor section roaring with our stabs at the other teams.

It started innocently enough.

SAM: So, broomball? More like broomFALL! ALL OVER THE ICE! ALL THE TIME!

NATE: I think we need a little cheer here, Sam!

SAM: I say F.T. you say P! F. T.

CROWD: P!

SAM: F.T.

CROWD: P!

Short for Fuck The Pines. Our rival school. It's funny I still say Our. I'll always be a highschooler at heart.

Then it got nasty.

NATE: Hey Sam, I don't think I've ever seen so much sausage in a Girls' Broomball game before!

SAM: No kidding, the ref is the hottest chick out there-

NATE: Ba boom CHI

SAM: -AM I RIGHT?!

CROWD: YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH!

Arenas fucking own. I ate french fries. ARENA french fries. They were heavenly. I saw so many people from other schools. They laughed at my voice, and I pretty much wasn't left alone the entire night just because it's so fucking funny to hear somebody tell stories when they sound like this.

NATE: Wow, it's really great to see the Catholic highschool and the private Christian highschool going at it like this!

SAM: Hey Flames, does Jesus love you $5000 more than He loves my school?

NATE: ...BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS ON THE CHEQUE!

CROWD: (drunken applause)

I was actually starting to be in a lot of pain by the end of the night, throat-wise, but I stuck it out for a hot tub in the thunderstorm at Anita's after the game. It was dangerous and fun. Oh yeah, at the arena, Dunlop broke the lock off a trophy case of sorts, and people just went mental stealing shit out of it. Dunlop stole a badass oldschool trucker hat of the Chatham Maroons, our resident ass-kicking hockey team. Marissa, in her drunken glory, stole an entire antique hockey jersey.

She was a fucking wreck today after the guilt set in. God, she's a good person.

At the football game, we get there and everyone was like "Marissa, they keep talking about that jersey over the loudspeaker between games..." And sure enough, we hear the announcement. Marissa caved and went over to the tent. She told them she "found" the jersey by the girls' washroom and took it home for "safekeeping".

They gave her a reward.

I laughed so fucking hard. I told her to donate it back to the United Way charities anonoymously. I think I spelled that wrong.

OH YEAH, we won our cheerleading competition today. Imagine the well-known "ghetto" school in your town. Wearing black pants, heavy eye makeup, old jerseys found in the garbage and cut up creatively, dancing to "Faint" and cheering like something straight out of a DMX video.

We were hardcore. I was almost proud to say yeah, I'm a cheerleader. If only for a day.

Anyway, I GOT AN AWARD! For best all-around cheer! Cause I wrote the damned thing! And yes, it's amazing. Wanna hear it? Tough shit, I'm tired of writing. I'll send out videos though. Because frankly, we owned that competition so hard, whether we win the entire thing or not. Which we'll find out tonight.

I'm sure there's more details of my weekend, but she's only half over, so I've got a ways to go. My fingers and throat hurt. Time for a nap, beer, and then more Red Feather action. This is the one weekend of the year that it's worth it to live in this town.

-S

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